We did something brave this last weekend, folks. Ok, maybe it won’t seem brave to many of you. In fact, a fair number of you may think I’m a little crazy and maybe a tad pathetic for even calling this a brave act, but this weekend we did something that we have not done since moving into our current home more than two years ago. What did we do?
We invited a group of friends over to our home for a gathering.
Before you write me off as a social outcast, let me explain.
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As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, prior to moving to our current town in 2012, Mr. CMF and I were living in pretty nice digs. We bought a house that we could technically afford the payments on, but the house ended up costing us big time when we decided to move after only three years of living there.
We couldn’t sell it because of the dreadful market in that city in 2012. And, while we were able to rent it out, we were not able to generate enough rent from the property to cover the mortgage payment and property management fee (since we moved more than 1000 miles away, we pretty much had to have a property manager). So we lost about $100 per month while renting it. It was a ginormous pain in the a#% every day until we finally sold it in the fall of 2014.
Suffice it to say, when we moved to our new town in 2012, we were painfully aware of the pitfalls of buying the wrong house at the wrong time. We were even more painfully aware of the dangers of trying to SELL the wrong house at the wrong time. And we were determined not to make that mistake again.
We also wanted to have another rental property (one that would actually make money 🙂 ). So when we moved we decided to purchase a home that we would one day turn into a rental property when we were done living in it.
In a way, this decision made shopping for a home much easier. Since our primary focus was being able to rent the place and generate an income from it when we were done living in it, this meant that we were much more forgiving of any, shall we say, cosmetic defects that the house may have.
Nauseating orange paint on the walls leading down to the basement? Bring it on. 1950s kitchen? Why not. Weird smell? That’s why they invented air fresheners.
When we purchased our current home we were thinking primarily of the exit plan, our plan to move after a few years and keep the house as a rental. But what we neglected to spend as much time thinking about was the fact that we’d actually have to live in this house for all those years.
Within a few months of moving into the house, it started to dawn on us that most of our friends here have similar jobs and similar levels of income as us- and they all live in much nicer houses. So when they would invite us over for dinner or whatever, we would feel like we should reciprocate. But for nearly two years we’ve hesitated to do so because… well, because our house is really small, and it just isn’t as nice as the houses of our friends. And I guess we’ve been a little bit embarrassed by it.
But over the past few months, as we’ve really started to settle into parenthood, slowly our “embarrassment” about the house that we live in and the frugal way in which we live our life has been fading away. I think that parenthood has given us purpose beyond ourselves for living our most frugal existence. After all, we can’t waste money- we’re parents! We have loads of diapers, gymnastics classes, and glasses to pay for over the coming years- not to mention college (by the way- I’m not just being dramatic about diapers and glasses- the costs are real- and we did recently learn that our seven month old daughter needs glasses, which will probably be a lifelong deal. Ugh!)
So anyway, our daughter’s adoption was finalized last week, and we wanted to have an Adoption Day party to celebrate the special day. A few months ago when we had a baby shower and Mr. CMF turned 40 the same week, my in-laws hosted both events. But I just couldn’t ask them to do that this time, in part because my father-in-law would not even be in town when the Adoption Day party was going to take place.
In total, we had over 25 people in our very small house this past weekend. It was a little cramped, for sure. But I had cleaned like crazy beforehand, opened all the blinds as wide as they would go (to bring in more light- being an older home, the windows aren’t as big and there just isn’t as much natural light), and I even removed some furniture from the living room so there would be more room.
Learning to Wear Frugality with Pride
You know what? I realized that I really shouldn’t have been so nervous about having people over for so long. Yes, it was crowded. But absolutely none of our friends commented at all on our tiny 1950s house with the 1950s kitchen. By now we’ve been friends with most of them long enough that they understand that we have financial priorities, and that living in a super fabulous house is just not on the priority list at the moment.
I guess you could say that we’ve learned to wear frugality with pride. But I tend to see it as we’re becoming more comfortable in our own skin. We are choosing to spend our money purposefully, with an effort to make sure that expenditures are in line with our values. Everything we’ve been through over the last few years with our fertility issues, roller coaster adoption process, and my awful (and super adoption-unfriendly) former employer has taught us that happiness is so much more important than nice houses or anything that could be purchased at a store. And, as MasterCard says, that really is… priceless.
Do you wear your frugality with pride, or have you also been in the position of feeling uncomfortable because your financial priorities differ from others?
Suggested Reading: One of my favorite books about forgetting the Joneses and livin’ the “stealth wealth” lifestyle is The Millionaire Next Door. This book profiles numerous individuals and couples who are masters of frugality- and, as the title indicates, are often millionaires. If you have not yet read this book, I definitely recommend that you give it a read.
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I wear frugality with pride but I suppose it has just become part of my identity. My real friends and family members totally understand how I am so nothing shocks them anyway.
That’s awesome… I guess we are still “coming into our own” on the frugal front…
I think it’s awesome when people live below their means. It gives us peace of mind if an emergency should arise and the ability to do more things that are important to us. A big house is a lot of work. I didn’t think about that when I bought mine:)
A big house is definitely a lot more work than a small one! Our last house took over two hours for the two of us to clean together. Our current home can easily be cleaned by the two of us in an hour.
I now wear my frugality with pride. It wasn’t always the case, but now everybody expects me to pull out my Groupon whenever we go out to eat at a place that I say.
Awesome!
That’s fantastic. We lived in a similar situation early in our marriage. Our house was so small our daughter’s friend called it “just like our cottage…but more beat-up” (she was six years old….). I love the advice of Keith Ferrazzi in Never Eat Alone. Host gatherings because it makes you “real” to the people you know. Good friends don’t care about what you own. They like you. A potluck and folding chairs is fine for a get together….no matter where. We had a blast in that little house.
I love that comment about how hosting gatherings makes you real to the people you know. SO true!
First, congratulations on finalizing the adoption of your daughter. That has to feel great! There is so much pressure to fit in and it can be a little nerve-wracking when your priorities seem so different than others. But as you found out, your friends (or at least true friends) don’t care about your house. They care about your happiness. Love that you and your husband are feeling more comfortable wearing your frugal skin. You have nothing to be ashamed about. You are taking care of your family and your financial foundation – nothing is more important than that!
Thanks Shannon!
We moved into a house that definitely needed upgrades. We had some of the stuff done while it was being brought up to FHA standards. But there are a *lot* of things that are pretty unsightly.
Our tub is tiny and scarred, but we use the shower stall in the “master” (quotes because it’s tiny) bathroom. So who cares? The master bathroom also has a sink/counter of the weird milky beige plasticky material so popular in the ’80s. But we’re the only ones who see it, so it’s not a priority.
And the screened-in back patio is missing both screen doors and screening. I am a little self-conscious about that when people come over, but I’ve gotten over it.
Ours won’t be a rental property — this one has everything we need — but we have other priorities: my husband’s dental work ($16,000ish), fixing things that break because it’s a 1960s house, etc.
Some paint has helped a couple of areas look pretty snazzy. But we have health problems, so our bedroom may never get painted, for example. What matters is that we’re happy with our house. And if any friends are rude enough to comment on something they don’t like? Well, who needs ’em?
Exactly!
This was a huge step and it did take a lot of bravery to invite people over! But now you’ve done it, it’s not scary anymore, and you can start reciprocating those invitations! (but you’ve got a baby, so maybe your house won’t be too busy at nights for a while yet…)
Ha! Too true…
Good for you for having people over! I honestly feel that there is no shame in the way I am. In a recent letter my friend sent me, she asked me for tips, remembering how I had always been frugal and it made me smile. It’s something I love being known for in my 20’s and hope that I can always be known for, no matter how far off the beaten path I am.
That’s awesome Amanda!
Feeling embarrassed about our lives is a crappy feeling, but it’s something most people do from time to time. I know that whenever I meet someone new (dating wise) it’s difficult to gauge how they will interpret things. Jumping in full force with all your quirks is usually not the best way to do it whereas if you can ease them into it then they usually understand you a little better. Anyways I think it’s great that you are comfortable enough with yourself and know what’s really important to you (your family) that those old thoughts seem unimportant.
Congratulations on the final adoption hurdle!
Thanks Zee!
Dee! You are one awesome Frugalista, mom and wife. Like you, we’ve learned that exercising hospitality isn’t about the size of your house as much as the size of your heart. A clean home with a warm, loving and accepting atmosphere blesses people so much. And your example of living within your means and enjoying it will speak volumes to those who visit. Keep leading the way to MoneySmart living!
Thanks Steve!
I used to be in your shoes – concerned with what others thought about my spendthrift ways. I learned to overcome it because I realized I was doing what made me happiest. Knowing the I was savings a lot of money today so that I could quit the rat race and live life on my terms is what drove me. Everyone has their own interests and desires. I try not to judge others in this regard because of how I felt when others were judging me.
Thanks Jon! It took us a while, but we are feeling good about the place that we are in right now. I think spending less time thinking/worrying about what others think of you is always a good thing!
It’s great that you’ve gotten comfortable with your frugality and that none of your friends commented about your house. Hope the party went well too. 🙂
Thanks Kayla! It did 🙂
Yay!!! That’s so awesome, I am so glad that you went ahead and that none of your friends made any comments at all to make you question yourself or feel bad. It sounds like you’ve got great friends 🙂 It’s so dumb how all of this crap “matters” anyway, way to keep things real for everyone. You never know, maybe some of your friends will think of your less-mcmansion house in the future as a reminder that they don’t need to be spending a ton of money either.
🙂 Rock on and spread the frugal love!
Nope, no one commented at all. Thanks Anne!
Congrats on the adoption and glad you got to enjoy your party. Your post reminds me of an Erma Bombeck quote about what she would do differently if she could live her life over… which included “I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.” True friends don’t care about that kind of thing. As for me, I would say I’m not embarrassed about my frugality (when we go out with friends, the coupons still come out), but I don’t take every opportunity to advertise it either. That being said, I think it’s time we invited some friends over to our not-quite-big-enough condo.
There you go! Hope your gathering turns out as well as ours did 🙂
There is absolutely no shame in being frugal. The rewards are well worth it.
Agreed!
Congratulations for learning to wear your frugality with pride, Dee. In the words of Dr. Seuss, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” Who knows? You might have even given inspiration to some closet frugalists who may have been at your party.
Wishing you and your new daughter all the very best.
Love that Dr. Seuss quote!