This week, USA Today ran a short piece (one of its “Snapshots”) on the top causes of money-related causes of divorce. I have replicated the results for you in the pie graph below. The article indicates that these results were obtained by surveying 1000 adults.
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#1 Money-Related Cause of Divorce
Taking the top spot by a mile is spending. By that, I presume that they mean that one spouse spends more than the other, or that they do not agree on spending for one reason or another.
While this makes me sad to hear, I can understand how it happens.
After all, I am not going to lie and pretend that I’ve never bought something that I didn’t particularly want my husband to find out about. I’m a female, and I’ve certainly had my days when a new pair of shoes or article of clothing is tops on my mind, and I somehow find myself in a store full of stuff I like.
I think a lot of us have had those kind of days, although maybe for you it’s not clothing. Maybe it’s electronics, video games, cars, tools, or makeup. Whatever it is, most of us who are alive and breathing have some sort of consumer item that we could really spend a lot on if we let go and did it.
So how to manage these consumer desires, especially if you are married?
#2 Money-Related Cause of Divorce
Obviously talking about money (and particularly spending!) with your partner is a big key here. Especially since, as you can see on the graph, the #2 biggest financial-related cause of divorce is never discussing money!
When Mr. CMF and I got married, we were fortunate to have a friend who was a former pastor who agreed to marry us. She did a GREAT job with the ceremony, but probably even more importantly, she counseled us before we got married.
The best advice that she gave us? She instructed us to sit down together and have a talk about several important topics: money, sex, children, and religion. She wanted us to be on the same page about those things before we got married, since she had seen enough divorce to know some of the common problems that arise in marriages.
Truth be told, today neither Mr. CMF nor I remember exactly what we talked about when we sat down to discuss those things. I hope that’s because we were already more or less on the same page about many of those things. However, it’s interesting how things have evolved over the nearly ten years of our marriage now. For example, I know that our views on money have evolved over time. What’s interesting in our case though is that our views have really evolved together and more or less gone in the same direction. I think that is probably because we have made an effort to read a lot of the same financial books, such as The Millionaire Next Door
#3 Money-Related Cause of Divorce
The #3 biggest financial cause of divorce is exclusion from decision-making. By this, I assume the survey means that one spouse excludes the other from the decision-making process about some expenditure. Oh by the way honey, I bought a Harley Davidson, figured you wouldn’t mind! I’m assuming that for the most part we are talking about fairly big-ticket items here, but either way it all goes back to communication.
I have a friend who was at one time married to a certain guy. They seemed perfect for one another. But I couldn’t help but notice that every time I’d call her, I was hearing about some new toy that either she or her husband had bought. They truly did have a garage full of expensive toys: motor bikes, snowmobiles, ATVs, etc. Their kids even each had their own motor bike. I sometimes had to wonder if my friend and her hubby weren’t deliberately trying to out-spend each other. I heard a lot of things like “well he bought x, so that means I can get y.”
You can probably guess what happened, right? They ended up getting divorced. I honestly have no idea how much of a role money played in the demise of their marriage. But I would be willing to wager that their extravagant spending habits- and the fact that they seemed to frequently make big-ticket purchases without consulting one another very much- was probably a contributing factor.
Bottom Line
My takeaway from this survey comes down to one word: communication. After all, none of us are perfect. And most of us are not mind readers! So that means that the best way for our spouse to have a clue what’s going on with us is if we tell him/her. This is true for all areas of relationships, but I think that it’s especially true with money!
Have you ever had relationship problems because of money? What’s been the best way that you’ve found to communicate with your partner about money?
Suggested reading: If you are interested in reading more about financial communication for couples, one of my fav books on the topic is The Heart of Money
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My wife and I sat down before marriage as well and talked in depth about money and our goals for life. We wanted to make sure we were both on the same page. We saw too many great marriages end due to money and we didn’t want that to happen to us.
Even before I met my wife, I made sure the girls I was dating were on the same page money-wise as I. I knew that being with someone that was a spender was not someone I could marry.
Wow, you were so ahead of the game Jon! I have to admit, when I was dating I really didn’t even have my own financial act together that much, so looking for it in someone else was not exactly on my radar. I think I just lucked out by marrying a frugal and financially savvy guy anyway! But I agree, having a serious talk about money should be a must when you are considering getting married!
I am going to go out on a limb here and be honest. Mr DFTB is not on the same page on most money issues. It took us 10yrs of marriage just to combine our checking. It is very hard on the marriage. Luckily we are strong except in this area so we are working hard towards compromise and building long term goals.
My advice to younger co-workers getting married or serious in their relationships is talk money, bills, and future goals now! Don’t wait, have the ‘talk’ today. I was surprised that my husband loved me enough to at least try my suggestions. Thought divorce was going to be the answer. It is harder to make it work than walk away. But when you love someone, you make it work.
Wow, huge kudos to you and your hubby Dawn. I think your advice to have the talk about these things before getting married is solid! I think it’s sometimes easy for money to be kind of an afterthought when you are dating someone. It’s hard to imagine what a huge deal it can become when you are married if you’ve never been there before. Thank you so much for sharing your story!
It terrifies me how little some couples talk about money, and how freely some people spend without their partner knowing.
I belonged to a collectors’ forum right before the crash in ’08. Some of the people there were talking about hiding purchases from their spouses. They literally had things stashed around the house, and would slowly take them out so the spouse wouldn’t suspect. Ugh!
Oh wow. Sadly, that probably happens all too often.
When I was married we use to argue about money all the time. The major issue was we didn’t have the same financial future vision and it caused a lot of problems. My advice to others is to make sure you both agree on what you plan on using your future money on and agreeing to the same vision. Great post by the way!!
Thanks for sharing about your past relationship Petrish. I can see how that could lead to lots of problems. It’s hard to have the kind of drive that you need to achieve financial goals if your life partner does not share those goals!
Interesting. I would have thought difficulty over paying bills would be a top contender. That’s where the stress happens. However, run away spending can make that difficult. Interesting that it’s so much. Thanks for posting. This is a good money topic for conversation.
I don’t know if that would perhaps fall under “spending” or not. Or perhaps exclusion from decision-making, if the reason why there is difficulty with bill paying is because of someone’s spending, as you mention. Money issues like this are always sort of related, aren’t they?
Sounds crazy, but I am not surprised at all. I know a lot of people who argue about money! We don’t but that’s because we are both naturally frugal and my husband still thinks he is a poor college kid.
I know a lot of people whom I suspect argue about money based on what I see of their spending 🙂 And some people who I suspect are still single because of their spending (at least in part)!
Communication is definitely important! I’m very thankful that Mr. LH and I talk about finances and are on the same page. It makes financial planning much easier. However, I know a couple or two that have some of these problems – either one spouse is spending more than the other or they just aren’t communicating! That would make me crazy and I can see why, in extreme cases, these things can lead to divorce.
I used to be more of a spender, and Mr. CMF somehow tolerated me. I give him credit for sort of reforming me, although I’m honestly not sure that either of us know exactly how he did it. I think over time, watching him make careful spending decisions and giving a lot of thought to our future really helped me see that my spending was going to be nothing but detrimental to those goals. It feels so much better to be on the same page now 🙂
This was a great read! Communication is key. Setting budgets and agreeing on finances can go a long way.
Absolutely, thanks for stopping by!